Being the hardened internet denizen that I am, it’s not often I find traditional written jokes funny anymore. But the simplicity of these made me laugh:
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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started…
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive… so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started…
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started…
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Naaah, she can order for herself.”
And then the fight started…
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started….
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My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started…..
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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’
The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’
And then the fight started…..
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’
My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’
And then the fight started …
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I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary? ”
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
And that’s when the fight started….
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. ‘When you finish cutting the grass,’ I said, ‘you might as well sweep the driveway.’
My now usual early Monday morning commute started well. My back has been feeling much better over the weekend. I’d been able to get down the gym for the first time in a week, and had a personal training session with my weightlifting coach on Sunday where I’d lifted up to a very pleasing 50kg Snatches and 75kg Clean and Jerks, without any significant pain. Yes I could “feel” my back, but it was just a dull ache, and I wasn’t limited by it.
I’d also managed 2 undisturbed night’s sleep in a row, whereas previously I’d woken up every night last week with sporadic back pains. I have been trying the tennis ball technique to DIY massage, as recommended by several commentators (thank you!) and whilst a generally unpleasant experience, I’m sure it helps.
So I woke up 5 mins before the alarm this morning at 5:40 feeling quite refreshed and awake. I’ve done this trip several times now, and the routine is settling in so it was no drama to get up and be ready to go, 5 minutes before the taxi turned up to take me to the train station, at 6:15.
Everything was going swimmingly: the taxi was on time; there were no dramas on the 10 min ride to Stockport train station; there was no queue at the coffee stall; there were plenty of free Metro papers there; there was room to sit down in the waiting room; it wasn’t as cold as the forecast last night predicted and the train was on time. Excellent! I was in a good mood, well as good as you can be at 06:30 on a Monday morning about to embark on a 200 mile, 4 hour commute to work.
The 6:39 train was suitably quiet when it arrived, in fact there were only 3 people already ensconced in the carriage I got into. Booking my tickets last week, I always reserve a seat anyway, even though it’s slightly unnecessary, for the trip down anyway (the trip back on Friday is a lot busier). I like to book a seat as I have a preference for a rear facing table seat on the aisle. Rear facing as I consider that to be safer if the train crashes; a table seat so I can work on the laptop (e.g. write a blog post, like I’m doing with this one) and an aisle seat so I can get to my bag and coat freely without having to struggle past someone.
Imagine my annoyance then, when I discover that of the 3 people already sat in the carriage, one of them is in my seat! There are nearly 60 seats on the carriage, 16 of which are table seats. 15 table seats are free and the one occupied is the seat I have reserved. To make matters worse, he’s put his coat over the back of the seat, so hiding the ticket that shows the seat reservation (it’s an old fashioned train with cardboard “Reserved” notices manually stuck on each reserved seat).
So now I’m torn. Do I take the moral high ground and challenge the guy to reveal the reserved notice under his jacket, risking an issue if indeed there isn’t one, although I have the backup of my own reservation ticket in my pocket? OR do I sit somewhere else? A quick scan of the carriage reveals that there are only a dozen other seats reserved, and there are 2 other table aisle seats available. I decide to take the practical approach and simply sit elsewhere. Honestly, it grates though, it’s the principle of the thing damn it!
The ticket collector comes by, the interloper hasn’t got a ticket and asks for a day return to Crewe. That’s just 15 minutes away! When he gets up and leaves at Crewe, he picks up his jacket, and there underneath, revealed for all to see, my seat reservation ticket springs up! I sit in my seat and silently try to sooth my irritation.
The train is still quiet and I decide not to move to my seat. Trying to play the game, I had actually chosen a window table seat. You see the opposite aisle seat has a reserved ticket on it from Crewe, and if someone sat there, the chances are I’d have the whole trip without facing someone, meaning I could stretch my legs out the whole journey. A grey haired man in his 60’s gets on the train and it looks like he’s going to take the aisle seat opposite me. Excellent, this is all going to plan. He smiles nicely at me, shifts along, bypassing the aisle seat and sitting straight down directly opposite in the window seat and promptly puts his foot on my toe!
There ensues a few moments of foot hockey as we both try to vie for as much leg room as possible, without of course looking like we’re competing (that wouldn’t be very British now would it?!?). He then promptly closes his eyes and starts to nod off.
In the words of that most famous of TV grumps, Victor Meldrew: I don’t believe it! There are no more than 10 other people in the entire carriage. There are loads of other seats free, including some windowed table seats. This guy doesn’t even need a table seat, he has no laptop, no paper, no notes to work on, he’s just sleeping. WTF did he decide to sit across from me and impinge on my leg room for the next 3 hours!?! My early morning good mood has now completely dissipated. I am officially grumpy!
On a side note, I had the credit card company phone up yesterday. It seems some little blighter has cloned my credit card and after a few very low price items charged to it, bought themselves a £1700 Dell PC with it! It matters not as just about all credit cards don’t hold you liable for credit card fraud, but it’s a smidgen inconvenient to be without the main credit card for a week whilst they organise a replacement.
Worse however is trying to workout which companies have the number on file, either for regular payments, or websites as a saved card? That’s going to be a hassle for a month or 2 to come I think. Fortunately I have a couple of backup credit cards, in case of just such an eventuality, so no real harm done, except for Dell of course.
With 13 days to go before the Northern Masters and the last chance I have to qualify for the 2009 British Weighlifting Championships, I was looking forward to a desperately needed one on one PT session with my weight lifting coach, Mark from Crossfit Manchester.
To be honest I’ve been beginning to think that I wouldn’t make it for this year, but was prepared to surprise myself. It was always a risk to change my technique slightly, just 3 weeks before the competition, but I’ve learnt from 2 years of training under Mark, that I do better (in everything) when I do what Mark tells me and don’t argue. It didn’t go too well last week when I was training on my own in Cardiff. I failed to get even a 65kg Snatch, dropping 5 in a row before giving up. It’s not a strength thing, it’s a technique and timing issue. Either way, I needed another session to steer me back on track.
I was due to see Mark at 5pm on Sunday and was pottering round the house doing chores on Sunday afternoon thinking about the upcoming session. Then it happened… reaching behind my old PC to stick a USB stick in, I felt a twinge in my back. It wasn’t a major drama. Nothing went pop or twang. It was just a small twinge. Slightly annoyed at myself for what was obviously poor posture or a stretch too far, I went about my afternoon.
Within 10 minutes however the pain really started to set in. First bending was uncomfortable. Then twisting was uncomfortable. Then just sitting was uncomfortable. About this time bending became painful. Then twisting became painful. Sitting was just bearable. Bending was now impossible! I called Mark… there was no way I could make it the session.
It got worse as the evening went on and I had a torrid nights sleep. Lying flat on my back staring straight up at the ceiling was the only bearable position to sleep in, though I reckon I only got 3 hours sleep. As I write this I’m sat on the train to Newport for a week’s work and I can just about cope with the pain. I think it’s highly unlikely I’ll be able to make the gym this week and to be honest I think this is the last nail in the coffin for the BWLA Championships qualifiers.
However I’m not going to give up. I think there’s little chance but I’m still going to the Northern Masters and I’m still going to give it my all. In some respects having little hope reduces the pressure of the meet and I may feel freer to try lifts I wouldn’t normally expect to get. Is this the famed Crossfit mental toughness coming out… or is it just my typical stubbornness… Who knows. All I know is that I need more ibuprofen and a masseuse!
EDIT: I’ve just got in at the end of the day. I decided to get that massage after work and so found Christopher Leslie who operates out of St Joseph’s Private Hospital in Newport. Chris is a very gently spoken man, around 60. 30 years a teacher he switched career to therapeutic and sports massage full time 8 years ago. £45 bought me a 90 min top to toe massage, with special focus on my back of course. I’ll decide tomorrow if it’s made a difference, but it certainly couldn’t hurt, and if it takes a few days off my recovery, it was worth it.
Well these girls seem to be enjoying themselves anyway. Or at least not taking themselves too seriously, which is a very good thing in my book (mostly work and family safe, it’s hard to actually see anything, if you know what I mean):
I should have realised that changing my snatch technique 3 weeks before the Northern Masters weight lifting competition was a bad idea. The changes I’ve made:
Slightly wider stance.
Feet angled out a little more.
Knees pushed out more.
The purpose of the changes is to provide a shorter path for the bar to rise as my knees don’t get in the way so much, which reduces the tendency to raise my bum up first, before my shoulders. Seems all fine in theory, but it’s messed up my timing and everything feels wrong.
An hour doing snatches down the gym today and I failed 5 times in a row to snatch even 65kg! 60kg went up ok, but was wibbly wobbly. I need to nail this new technique quickly if I’m to have any hope of qualifying for the BWLA Masters finals.
That’s not to mention the clean and jerks. Amazing how much difference 5kg makes. I was doing 80kg easy peasy yesterday, but as soon as I went to 85kg, it all went wibbly again (technical term ). I’m beginning to think I won’t make the weights I want. Ho hum.
It’s Sunday night, which is the worst part of the week, as I’m preparing to go away again for the week. It’s a tough thing to do as I hate leaving my daughter as she’s great fun to be around. I had a personal training session at the gym today to work on my olympic lifts before the Northern Masters in 3 weeks, and took the kid down too. We had her working on deadlifts with a 7.5kg technique bar (she weighs 24kg). Then we had her do a quick Crossfit workout of:
3 rounds of:
100m row
10 jumping pull ups
10 box jumps
5 dumbbell push presses with 3kg DBs
She managed this is a respectable 10:10. The dumb bells were bought from Newitts in their new year sale and the kid loves them. I’m going to try to get her doing at least 1 Crossfit style workout per week, if not 2.
This weekend we had 2 new members at the gym, 2 members of the Ugandan Olympic weightlifting team, one of which made it to the Beijing olympics! They were impressive to watch, weighing in at under 60kg, they were both doing easy power cleans, push jerk and clean and jerk complexes up to 100kg. They weren’t so good at the other stuff though. Rowing form and dumb bell push presses for example. It will be interesting to watch them as they progress.
As a slight aside, the wife has taken up spinning. Not as in exercise bikes, but as in sleeping beauty style spinning wool with a spinning wheel. So we went to some farm wool show in the middle of the country, south of Macclesfield. The trip was uneventful, but for one event: when driving down the drive at dusk, we were buzzed by a barn owl! I’ve never seen an owl flying in the wild before, hunting dinner I guess. It was spectacular.
Or that’s the claim. Time magazine (which appears to be right behind Oprah in top most quoted “authoratative” sources) called Dean Karnazes possibly the fitest man on earth. He’s an ultra distance runner, and has run such things as:
“a 135-mile ultra-marathon across Death Valley in 120-degree temperatures and a marathon to the South Pole in negative 40 degrees. He’s run a 200-mile relay solo, racing alongside teams of 12 and has completed a 350-mile run. In 2006, he ran 50 marathons, in all 50 US states, in 50 consecutive days, finishing with the NYC Marathon, which he completed in three hours flat.”
It would be interesting to see him do for example the Crossfit workout known as Helen, but that’s just me. Either way, he’s very good a running long distances, better than most. Apparently he’s even considered one of the Top 100 Most Influential People in the World, a nice title to have and no mistake.
What’s the key to his success? Well according to Barry Sears, he follows the Zone diet:
“Dean Karnazes is a great example of the ability of the Zone Diet to cause adaptations to one’s physiology to give them unique advantages in athletic performance,” Dr. Sears said. “Dean follows the Zone Diet exceptionally faithfully, yet during his ultra-marathon runs, he consistently consumes high-fat junk food. What gives? By following the Zone Diet, he is adapting his body to burn fat preferentially as opposed to carbohydrates to make the chemical energy (ATP) needed for muscle contraction. During an ultra-marathon, by consuming high-fat (i.e. high-octane) junk food, he can produce extraordinary amounts of ATP. His competitors, who are adapted to burning carbohydrates (i.e. low octane fuel), will make far less ATP than will Dean. This means one thing: He will always have far more energy than they will. Fortunately for Dean, it is unlikely they will ever learn this basic fact of metabolism.”
I’ve had a few weeks off the blog over xmas and the new year. It’s strangely refreshing to take a break from the blog, but now that the new year is here, it’s time to resume with a quick catchup. In the last 2 weeks I’ve:
Discovered suggestion that BWLA appear to have upped the qualifying requirements for all Masters weights, which would be very bad for me!
Been down to Newport and Cardiff, looking for a place to live whilst working for my new client.
Looking for a gym in Newport or Cardiff that has olympic weightlifting facilities.
Stayed in the best Bed and Breakfast ever: The Hill House, Howle Hill in Ross-on-Wye.
Taught my daughter to dive.
Eaten and drunk far too much.
Replayed through most of KOTOR2, one of the best PC games ever.
And now I have to pack as I’m off to Newport later today.
). I’m beginning to think I won’t make the weights I want. Ho hum.