Being the hardened internet denizen that I am, it’s not often I find traditional written jokes funny anymore. But the simplicity of these made me laugh:<\/p>\n
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —<\/p>\n
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
\nShe asked, ‘What’s on TV?’ <\/p>\n
I said, ‘Dust.’ <\/p>\n
And then the fight started… <\/p>\n
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —<\/p>\n
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’ <\/p>\n
I bought her a weighing scale. <\/p>\n
And then the fight started… <\/p>\n
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —- <\/p>\n
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive… so, I took her to a gas station. <\/p>\n
And then the fight started… <\/p>\n
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —–<\/p>\n
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. <\/p>\n
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. <\/p>\n
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. <\/p>\n
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’ <\/p>\n
And then the fight started… <\/p>\n
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —- <\/p>\n
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. <\/p>\n
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’ <\/p>\n
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend.
\nI understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’ <\/p>\n
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’ <\/p>\n
And then the fight started… <\/p>\n
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —– <\/p>\n
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. <\/p>\n
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.” <\/p>\n
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”<\/p>\n
“Naaah, she can order for herself.” <\/p>\n
And then the fight started… <\/p>\n
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —– <\/p>\n
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. <\/p>\n
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. <\/p>\n
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. <\/p>\n
And then the fight started…. <\/p>\n
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——– <\/p>\n
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday <\/p>\n
and then the fight started….. <\/p>\n
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——– <\/p>\n
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. <\/p>\n
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’ <\/p>\n
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. <\/p>\n
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’ <\/p>\n
The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’ <\/p>\n
And then the fight started….. <\/p>\n
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— –<\/p>\n
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. <\/p>\n
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. <\/p>\n
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. <\/p>\n
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. <\/p>\n
I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’ <\/p>\n
My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’ <\/p>\n
And then the fight started … <\/p>\n
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— – <\/p>\n
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary? ” <\/p>\n
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
\nappreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. <\/p>\n
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?” <\/p>\n
And that’s when the fight started…. <\/p>\n
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —-<\/p>\n
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me. <\/p>\n
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. <\/p>\n
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. <\/p>\n
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. ‘When you finish cutting the grass,’ I said, ‘you might as well sweep the driveway.’ <\/p>\n
and then the fight started..<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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