RED DWARF Series IV Episode 6, “Meltdown”

This is one of the funniest Red Dwarf starting scripts ever, where Rimmer regales the others with detailed accounts of his Risk Games. The reference to his Risk Campaign Book, is genius:

RED DWARF Series IV episode 6, “Meltdown”

1 Int. Sleeping Quarters.

CAT, LISTER and RIMMER are sitting round a table in the sleeping
quarters. CAT and LISTER are playing a card game and RIMMER is regaling
them with tales of his youth. As the scene opens we see that CAT and
LISTER seem to be in some kind of pain.

RIMMER: So there we were at 2:30 in the morning; I was beginning to wish
I had never come to cadet training school. To the south lay water —
there was no way we could cross that. To the east and west two armies
squeezed us in a pincer. The only way was north; I had to go for it
and pray the Gods were smiling on me. I picked up the dice and threw
two sixes. Caldecott couldn’t believe it. My go again; another two
LISTER: Rimmer, what’s wrong with you? Don’t you realize that no one is
even slightly interested in anything you’re saying? You’ve got this
major psychological defect which blinds you to the fact that you’re
boring people to death! How come you can’t sense that?
RIMMER: Anyway I picked up the dice again… Unbelievable! Another two
LISTER: Rimmer!
LISTER: No one wants to know some stupid story about how you beat your
Cadet School Training Officer at Risk.
RIMMER: Then — disaster! I threw a two and a three; Caldecott picked up
the dice and threw snake eyes — I was still in it.
LISTER: Cat, can you talk to him?.

CAT is sitting with big pieces of cotton wool plugged in to his ears. As
LISTER talks to him he takes one of the pieces.

CAT: What?
RIMMER: Anyway, to cut a long story short I threw a five and a four which
beat his three and a two, another double six followed by a double four
and a double five. After he’d thrown a three and a two I threw a six
and a three.
CAT: Man, this guy could bore for his country!
LISTER: What I want to know, is how the smeg can you remember what dice
you threw at a game you played when you were seventeen?
RIMMER: I jotted it down in my Risk campaign book. I always used to do
that so I could replay my moments of glory over a glass of brandy in
the sleeping quarters. I ask you, what better way is there to spend a
Saturday night?
CAT: Ya got me.
RIMMER: So a six and a three and he came back with a three and a two.
LISTER: Rimmer, can’t you tell the story is not gripping me? I’m in a
state of non-grippedness, I am completely smegging ungripped. Shut the
smeg up.
RIMMER: Don’t you want to hear the Risk story?
LISTER: That’s what I’ve been saying for the last fifteen minutes.
RIMMER: But I thought that was because I hadn’t got to the really
interesting bit…
LISTER: What really interesting bit?
RIMMER: Ah well, that was about two hours later, after he’d thrown a
three and a two and I’d thrown a four and a one. I picked up the
LISTER: Hang on Rimmer, hang on… the really interesting bit is exactly
the same as the dull bit.
RIMMER: You don’t know what I did with the dice though, do you? For all
you know, I could have jammed them up his nostrils, head butted him on
the nose and they could have blasted out of his ears. That would’ve
been quite interesting.
LISTER: OK, Rimmer. What did you do with the dice?.
RIMMER: I threw a five and a two.
LISTER: And that’s the really interesting bit?
RIMMER: Well it was interesting to me, it got me into Irkutsk.

{ 7 comments… add one }
  • Andrew G 26 November 2007, 4:11 pm

    Hey, how about some fitness updates here!

  • Colin McNulty 26 November 2007, 7:15 pm

    My bad Andrew, I’ve been working on a big Crossfit post that I hope should prove very useful. Will get it up by the end of the week.

  • Andrew G 26 November 2007, 7:48 pm

    Dude, how do I email you? Yes, I’m interested in your Adwords help. I don’t know what I’m doing. Email me when you get a minute.

  • Colin McNulty 26 November 2007, 8:14 pm

    I’ve sent you an email.

  • Davie 28 November 2007, 10:03 am

    nothing wrong with a bit of Red Dwarf..more Red Dwarf please.

  • Colin McNulty 28 November 2007, 2:55 pm

    Lol. I actually have a post planned that will tie this Red Dwarf post in nicely to Crossfit.

  • Davie 28 November 2007, 10:04 pm


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